What Not to Say to Someone With Mesothelioma or Lung Cancer

When a loved one or a friend is diagnosed with mesothelioma, lung cancer, or other type of cancer, you may have a difficult time finding the right thing to say.  You may have good intentions of being sympathetic and supportive, but sometimes our words can have the opposite affect.  Researchers have found that our well meaning statements sometimes cause our loved one to shut down and at times feel worse.
Below are the six common sayings to avoid and some suggestions for what to say instead.  Adapted from Psychiatrist Jeffrey Knajdl, director of psycho-oncology services at Creighton University (Omaha, Nebraska):

1.  Avoid saying:  "Everything is going to be all right."  – instead try:  "I'll be here with you and we'll make it through this together."
2.  Avoid:  "I know how you feel." – try:  "How are your mood and spirits holding up through this?"
3.  Avoid:  "Try to keep a positive attitude, relax, and avoid stress.  It can help you heal." – try:  Asking what you can do specifically to help your loved one.  If they are worried about finances, help them get their finances organized.
4.  Avoid:  "We can beat this." – try:  Reminding your loved one that you are there to care for, support, and make them as comfortable as possible during treatment.
5.  Avoid:  "Now, now, don't get yourself all worked up." - try:  Offering the comfort of your presence or a hug.
6.  "Congratulations, you're done with chemo (or radiation)." – try:  Giving the person a chance to express how they are feeling by asking open ended questions.

Remember you don't always have to know the right thing to say.  When you don't know what to say it's okay to show your support in silence.  I've had clients tell me it's okay to actually say "I don't know what to say, but I love you and support you. "  Our job as a loved one and a caregiver is to listen and let the patient tell us how best to support them.